


Bob Atari: Muad'Dib, Kumkwat Haagendasz, and Gnomish Knob Goblin

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Kingdom of Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-19
Updated: 2007-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 07:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1638443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bob Atari: Muad'Dib, Kumkwat Haagendasz, and Gnomish Knob Goblin attempts to avenge his father's death</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bob Atari: Muad'Dib, Kumkwat Haagendasz, and Gnomish Knob Goblin

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to the KOL Wiki for certain segments of dialog borrowed from the game itself. Apologies to Frank Herbert ;).   
>  Thanks to Elaby for beta reading this for me!
> 
> Written for Wasuremono

 

 

It had been many days since Bob Atari, the Knob Goblin prince, and his mother had to flee into the desert to escape his father's killer. His mother, Helga the Knob Goblin Harem Girl and preferred concubine of the Goblin King, had been trained in the arts of the Bene Geriatric order and through her quick wits they had been saved. However, none of her cunning and mind control could save them from the Arid, Extra-Dry Desert.

Bob Atari, formerly a Knob Goblin prince, had been learning the way of the Fregnomes. They had made a stillsuit to fit him and had given him a new name to signify their acceptance of him into the tribe.

Soon it would be time to prove his status as an adult and learn how to ride worms. His mother had proved not much use after she'd become hooked on the hookah ("Way better than any of that harem stuff!") and claimed that she was having visions and had become reverend. Bob told her that she should go and join the Sisters of Perpetual Indecision on the Island. Bob, now calling himself Muad'Dib, after some local rodentia, set out to learn worm riding. He donned his tan cloak and his stillsuit and ventured out with Gnasir, gnaib of the tribe.

They had not been out in the desert too long when a scout saw an Adventurer making his way across the sand. The group of Fregnomes crept up towards him and Gnasir called out to the stranger. "Halt, interloper. This is our sietch, and trespassers are not welcome."

The adventurer gave some flimsy excuse about searching for a pyramid and tried to wave off the Fregnomes by showing them a diary. Like Fregnomes were interested in diaries! Probably a lot of drivel about how his boyfriend didn't like him or something. Bob, er Muad'dib, snorted derisively. This stupid Adventurer didn't even have a stillsuit. He was moments away from being dried out and dead.

"Hmm," said Gnasir. "Yes, we know of this place. However, it is deep in the desert -- you will not reach it on foot. Even for our most experienced worm-riders, it is an arduous journey."

"Worm-riders?"

"Yes. Some of us have claimed the skill and honor of riding the giant sandworms that roam the desert sands." Gnasir said with a significant glance back at Bob.

Bob stood tall. Soon he would learn these things. He took a closer look at this Adventurer. His features were too familiar for this to be a chance meeting, and something about his clothes...

"Any chance you could teach me?"

Suddenly everything clicked into place. This was his father's killer! He bristled in anger. The hat the adventurer wore so casually was his father's crown!

The gnome gave the adventurer a grave look, then turned to confer with the other gnomes for a short time.

Bob pushed in. "Gnasir! This is my father's killer! I demand the right to challenge him to a duel as in the rite of Chun Li*, as set down by my father!"

"Chun Li?" Gnasir raised an eyebrow at Bob. "The eastern woman with whom you engage in mortal kombat?"

"No." Bob said. "The rite of ritual duel with which we resolve family feuds and disputes by killing each other thereby perpetuating the cycle of blood and violence until all of both families are dead."

"Oh, that Chun Li." Gnasir said. "And no. I think we can trick this Adventurer into getting us lots and lots of things before we give him the information that he wants. This will benefit us all, and if he dies in the process we can collect his water for the tribe. Your blood feud will have to wait."

Bob gnashed his teeth but kept his peace. "I wish to be allowed to monitor this Adventurer's progress and to collect his water myself, Gnasir."

"All right. You may do that much."

Gnasir turned to the adventurer. "Very well, wetlander. I am Gnasir, gnaib of this tribe. We are willing to share our knowledge with you, but first you must prove yourself to our tribe. Near the lands of the Oasis, there is a stone rose. It was greatly adored, and was the symbol of our tribe until the shifting sands and other troubles forced us to relocate. Your first task will be to bring it to us."

Bob seethed at being denied his ritual Chun Li, but he waited patiently as the adventurer was made to fetch the stone rose and do some house remodeling. Then Gnasir sent him to collect a rhythm machine to call the worms.

The adventurer brought back a strange contraption unlike anything Bob had ever seen.

"That will never serve to call a maker!" Bob sneered.

The adventurer ignored him and went to find Gnasir.

Bob chased after him. "You! You killed my father! Prepare to die, Adventurer!" Bob lifted his elite polearm (it had been his father's in the distant past).

The Adventurer rolled his eyes. "You knob goblins never learn. It was so easy to fool your dad. A little veil and little perfume a little eyelash batting, it was kind of sad how easy that was. Do you really think you're going to even be able to touch me with that crappy weapon?" The adventurer set down his rhythm machine. "I mean **come on** , you only need 15 muscle to equip that thing!"

Bob seethed some more with anger. "I cannot allow you to impugn my family's honor! Put your meat where your mouth is, Adventurer!" Bob charged towards the adventurer calling out a fearsome Fregnome war call.

The adventurer rolled his eyes and sidestepped, as Bob rushed past he slipped his hand into Bob's pocket and pulled out a packet of Knob Goblin Steroids. He laughed. "That's sad, little Knob Goblin."

"I am a Fregnome now!" Bob said as he turned and charged the adventurer again.

The Adventurer pulled out a toy ray gun and with one quick blast he turned Bob into a charred lump. His Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot shot toast out and the Adventurer grabbed it and munched on it. "Some day I've got to add an automatic buttering mechanism to him."

The Fregnomes emerged from the sand dunes. The adventurer held up his ray gun again.

"We come in peace, wetlander." Gnasir said stepping forward. "You have our thanks for finally getting rid of Bob. He was really annoying and didn't really fit in with our whole... warrior people thing. But it would have been rude to kill him ourselves seeing as some of us had gotten it into their heads that he was supposed to be a messiah or something. Old superstitions die hard, you know. Anyway. Our thanks for helping us out. Here's the hooks you need to ride the worm. We were going to make you track down a ton of pages of old books for us, but we'll forgo that since you did just help us out."

"Excellent! So... uh... do you guys need to take his body and do that... water reclaiming thing? Like in that bad Kevin Costner movie?" The Adventurer asked accepting the hooks.

"Well... since you charred him with the ray gun I don't think he's got much water left anymore... so we're going to leave him out here. Less fuss. We can tell the believers that he was eaten by a sandworm. Well, safe travels, adventurer."

"Ciao. Thanks for the hooks. Hope that black door works out well for you." The adventurer turned on the rhythm machine, hooked a worm and was gone.

In a few days there was no sign of Bob left at all. Thus ended the short and uneventful life of Bob Atari: Bob Atari: Muad'Dib, Kumkwat Haagendasz, and Gnomish Knob Goblin

 

 

* * *

 

 

* Chun Li - "Formal feud or vendetta under the rules of the Great Convention carried on according to the strictest limitations.

 


End file.
